


The collapsing of the stars

by Sashaya



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, Mass Effect 2, Mentions of Character Death, Shepard/Garrus can be seen as pre-relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:46:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4609002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard wants to grab her gun and make everyone pay, pay because she left <i>stars</i> and they gave back <i>black holes</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The collapsing of the stars

**Author's Note:**

> **_Disclaimer:_** _I don't own any of the characters._
> 
> Warnings: unbeta'ed, spoilers for Mass Effect 2 (I just started playing so not many).
> 
> The interaction between Garrus and Shepard are very platonic and friendship-y for me but since I had some problems with people thinking it'll be a pure Liara/Shep fic, I changed tags. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

The galaxy doesn’t end. It expands.

Shepard dies in pain, surrounded by darkness, with no time to whisper any name.

 

Shepard died. The galaxy collapsed.

 

Shepard is lost, feels hopeless like a child (and she doesn’t need this memories, she doesn’t). 

Shepard looks at Garrus on her ship, looks at Liara through the calls while she sieges the world, looks at pictures of Ashley, Kaidan, Wrex.

She doesn’t understand.

Her world ended (she doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to think about the pain, suffocating, _please, stop!_ ) and then she was back already. 

It’s difficult to tell time when you’re dead. It doesn’t feel like minutes passed, but it doesn’t feel like years either.

 

She was lost for two years and her galaxy keeps spinning without her.

Shepard’s not bitter, not angry that they didn’t stop for her, she would never ask of that.

She just wishes their lives didn’t spiral down, down towards the end, worst end. 

 

Shepard saw the brightest future for them. Not more scars, more secrets and lies, broken hope, broken morals.

She’s no angel but they were.

(She tainted them even in death.)

 

There’s emptiness in Garrus’ eyes, emptiness Shepard only saw in the mirror, there’s years of experience, years of _broken_ in his eyes and Shepard doesn’t know what to say.

He’s too old to listen to simple _You’ll get better_.

She wouldn’t be able to tell him that either. 

Garrus is different in a way Shepard didn’t have a chance to change. Garrus doesn’t seek her, there’s no simple friendship between them – it all got cut by death, her death and choices he made. 

The air is heavy and she sees how her words don’t reach him. It hurts, hurts so much because she doesn’t know how to fix it, how to fix him.

It hurts because she knows she can’t.

 

Liara made her world bright with data, priceless with the stream of information. Shepard calls her _Broker of Hearts_ , calls her _Most Innocent Liar_ and Liara smiles sadly, smiles like she has no energy left. 

Shepard was never ready to see her Liara, bright and cheerful Liara, hide behind the curtain of information. Shepard wants to go back in time, do something different because there’s nothing heavier than the sadness in Liara’s eyes and Shepard doesn’t know if she can lift it all alone. 

Shepard doesn’t think Liara would let her. Liara rose and grew in her skin and Shepard always knew she was powerful, she was great and unstoppable. Shepard just wants to change the price on Liara’s life. 

 

Tali is a fleeting thought, fleeting being in her life and it hurts maybe the most because she’s different in a way the others _could be_ and she was _never supposed to_. 

Shepard looks at Tali and thinks _wrong_ , she looks at her and wants to gather her in her arms, wants to make sure Tali is safe and sound and her pure enthusiasm is back. 

 

Shepard knows they all saw battle, she took them all to war without a second thought. But this galaxy Shepard sees is different, broken in a way war doesn’t break you.

This galaxy is broken in a way hope gets lost, in a way _there’s no place for me_. 

 

(Shepard thinks and wonders and doesn’t say a thing.

Did hope suffocate along Shepard in the dark, cold ocean?)

 

It’s selfish, so selfish but Shepard wishes she stayed dead so she wouldn’t see the broken husks of her bright crew. 

It’s selfish, so selfish but Shepard wants to grab her gun and make everyone pay, pay because she left _stars_ and they gave back _black holes_.

 

Shepard starts simple, simple in a way her hand can find an alcohol-filled glass with ease. Simple in a way she drinks and burns her throat, burns her tongue. 

Shepard starts simple and then she’s falling because she can’t sleep and there’s a bottle of brandy by her bed. There’s a glass of whiskey on her desk, by the pictures (pictures she doesn’t stare at because Ashley haunts her already without this, because she doesn’t know what happened to Wrex and Grunt reminds her of him in a way how different he is, because Kaidan’s words still burn and she can’t see his reason). 

Shepard falls with no grace, with no hope and Miranda’s stern looks tell her she’s not subtle.

She’s too lost, too tired to be.

 

Shepard lies in bed and doesn’t move, doesn’t stand up and greets Joker on the bridge. Shepard lies in bed and doesn’t speak when Kelly comes by to check on her.

(Kelly says soothing, soft things, she speaks of _depression_ , of _help_.

Shepard hears her like she’s underwater, like this time maybe she’ll stay dead.)

Shepard stares at the ceiling and hopes but she forgets what for. She thinks _two years_ and she’s too tired, too hopeless. 

 

Miranda tells her to get a grip, to think of the mission, of the humanity that needs her again.

Shepard understands that, knows that.

Shepard stands up and walks the bridge, walks them into another battle. 

 

The shot to the chest wasn’t close enough.

 

Jacob doesn’t come. Shepard’s thankful. There’s a soft thread of friendship between them, soft _something new_ and Shepard thinks it’s better this way.

(Jacob trusts her in a way she doesn’t think anyone else does, in a way Garrus doesn’t anymore. 

Shepard wonders when she’ll disappoint, break him too.)

 

Shepard doesn’t sleep, spends the night-hours looking at the stars. Shepard stands up and walks the bridge, listens to Joker and EDI, doesn’t try to avoid Kelly’s sharp eyes.

Shepard talks less and it feels like she’s trying to disappear, just cease from existence. 

 

Garrus doesn’t come. Shepard finds him sleeping by her door and she almost falls, loses her footing and she’s okay with that. 

Garrus doesn’t come in but he catches her and holds her close and doesn’t care when she cries. 

Garrus doesn’t speak, he touches her scars and it’s the first time they are so close, like there isn’t _two years_ between them, like she didn’t die, like he didn’t give up his dreams.

 

Shepard says _I’m sorry_.

Garrus says _the world doesn’t sit on your shoulders, don’t be greedy_.

 

She laughs.


End file.
